- Real programmers don't write specs. Users should
consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get
- Real programmers don't comment their code. If it
was hard to write, it should be hard to read.
- Real programmers don't write application programs,
they program right down on the bare metal. Application programming is for
feebs who can't do systems programming.
- Real programmers don't eat quiche. Real programmers
don't even know how to spell quiche. They eat Twinkies, Coke and palate-scorching
- Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts
are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts;
look how much it did for them.
- Real programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on
a reference is a hallmark of the novice and the coward.
- Real programmers programs never work right the first
time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working
in only a few 30-hours debugging sessions.
- Real programmers don't use Fortran. Fortran is for
wimpy engineers who wear white socks, pipe stress freaks, and crystallography
weenies. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.
- Real programmers don't use COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy
- Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers
are around at 9 am, it's because they were up all night.
- Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually,
no programmers write in BASIC, after the age of 12.
- Real programmers don't document. Documentation is
for simps who can't read the listings or the object deck.
- Real programmers don't write in Pascal, or Bliss,
or Ada, or any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is
for people with weak memories.
- Real programmers know better than the users what
- Real programmers think structured programming is
a communist plot.
- Real programmers don't use schedules. Schedules are
for manager's toadies. Real programmers like to keep their manager in suspense.
- Real programmers think better when playing adventure.
- Real programmers don't use PL/I. PL/I is for insecure
momma's boys who can't choose between COBOL and Fortran.
- Real programmers don't use APL, unless the whole
program can be written on one line.
- Real programmers don't use LISP. Only effeminate
programmers use more parentheses than actual code.
- Real programmers disdain structured programming.
Structured programming is for compulsive, prematurely toilet-trained neurotics
who wear neckties and carefully line up sharpened pencils on an otherwise
- Real programmers don't like the team programming
concept. Unless, of course, they are the Chief Programmer.
- Real programmers have no use for managers. Managers
are a necessary evil. Managers are for dealing with personnel bozos, bean
counters, senior planners and other mental defectives.
- Real programmers scorn floating point arithmetic.
The decimal point was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to "think
- Real programmers don't drive clapped-out Mavericks.
They prefer BMWs, Lincolns or pick-up trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles
are highly regarded.
- Real programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners
make up schedules. Managers "firm up" schedules. Frightened coders strive
to meet schedules. Real programmers ignore schedules.
- Real programmers like vending machine popcorn. Coders
pop it in the microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat given off by the
cpu. They can tell what job is running just by listening to the rate of popping.
- Real programmers know every nuance of every instruction
and use them all in every real program. Puppy architects won't allow execute
instructions to address another execute as the target instruction. Real programmers
despise such petty restrictions.
- Real programmers don't bring brown bag lunches to
work. If the vending machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending
machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche.
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